“My Messy Message”
Updated: Jul 23, 2022
Written on 9/4/21
This is my wicked life in a nutshell, a vague account of my sins. It’s vague to keep the blog short otherwise look for the novel series because it’s a lengthy list. I’m sharing so you can see how Jesus is working with me and changing my life completely around. Like any historical record, I’ll start at the beginning and work up to the present.
From birth to five years old: I peed in the hallway, cried my way to the top bunk, colored the wall of my cousin's bedroom, had my first arousing thought when I was four years old due to a commercial mocking the 1991 film, Hot Shots. I wrote a paper on it in college for a Psych class on Human Sexuality - very interesting stuff. This is when I began to idolize television.
From five to ten years old: I hid the remote… a lot, I spelled profanity out loud like I didn’t know what I was spelling, made a girl cry because ‘if you don’t believe then you gonna burn’, I really did eat the popcorn outside the kitchen, I pitted two cousins against each other for dominance, and I’m not going to elaborate on the ‘Squiggly Pen’ that I didn’t write with.
From ten to fifteen years old: I snuck out, I lied about my first boyfriend, started cursing like a sailor, started gossiping about friends, became a love drunk stalker, I carried the bag to the cabin, first sip of alcohol at fourteen, started smoking pot at fifteen.
From fifteen to twenty: Called my best friend a Bitcah right behind her back - dude she’s sneaky! I assisted the youth to sneak out with me, I kissed a girl and I liked it, drank some more, smoked some more, lied about where I was staying the night and aligned my siblings in for the cover, alienated my brother because he's Eeyore and he brought my vibe down, had a rager house party, and I gossiped some more all the way to court and committed adultery.
Like that TURNT real quick.
From twenty to twenty-five: Lied for cover, promiscuous af, ditched class all the time, stole from work, started drugs, called out sick and I wasn’t sick, tried more drugs, plotted Jose’s demise because 8am on a Saturday?! Come on, the weeds can wait!
Disclaimer: Jose is alive and well, just unemployed.
From twenty-five to thirty: Drank and drove, cursed every healthcare worker in the ICU for 36 hours, kept the drug habit, watched the AVN awards for the first and last time fortunately, acted unprofessional, porn habit ramped up, bore false witness.
From thirty to thirty-three: Multiple ignorant suicide attempts, yet never considered myself suicidal, just confused. More drugs, left besties high and dry, manipulated the sale, slept with another unavailable friend and continued to lie about it, ghosted and then complained about being ghosted, continued to use, overreacted in total fear that I ruined a friendship, never really listened to anyone, anywhere, at any time - my ego came first!
Some friends knew about the habits, parents knew almost nothing, siblings shook their heads in dismay, and co-workers kept the boundaries. I’m blessed with witnesses that would say I’m a very driven, intelligent, beautiful, hard working, loyal, friend. So I was functional. I’m extremely apologetic for my actions, especially everyone affected. Our choices have a ripple effect, period. Every single one. To your neighbor and to the world.
The summer of 2020, one post changed my life forever - His light reached me. They say it starts with one. Born into a middle class, Christian, abundant family, with loving and caring individuals all around me, and still, STILL, veered left at every road despite “knowing” better. I tried my entire life to believe in anything. Anything! Santa, Angels, myself, my friends, magic, tooth fairy, Easter bunny, Jesus, ANYTHING! Nothing stuck. I prayed the acceptance prayer every chance it was offered because I lost any discernment I had and what God’s presence felt like by way of the world.
But it didn't stop me from talking to him daily like an open diary. People think I talk to myself all the time. Hint: I’m not alone and neither are you. One post about Yeshua led to one bible study of Daniel, led to another about David, led to reading Genesis to an Aunt, led to my name being called by God. Thirty-four years old and probably the most hypocritical Christian to boot and I knew better. I knew better, but knowing is not believing and when you don’t believe, there’s no real consequence, right?
Knowing is not believing and believing is different from trusting. This blog is dedicated to how I’m not YOUR Perfect Christian, but I know, I believe, and I’m trusting that I can be His Perfect Christian and I believe with all my heart the same to be true for everyone! He’s an intentional one, our YHWH and our messes are meant to be messages. Our story even starts with one.
I am beyond happy he woke me up! If you crack the door to allow Him to peak… You won’t regret it for an instant. I will repeatedly reference throughout these posts discernment: the ability to judge well, not other people, but your own heart. Throughout the Bible God is highlighting, screaming discernment. Twins, two camps, two wolves, which one wins? We are all capable of both good and bad decisions. Clearly judging by my own list.
My why was in Genesis, where’s yours?
I’m joyful to announce that I FEEL God’s presence, I fully believe in His existence, and I LOVE YHWH with all my mind, body, and soul. It really is true when his Word says, He is for EVERYONE! Who is telling you differently? I’m overwhelmed with how loud He has become now that I see Him everywhere. You’re welcome to keep joining me in my walk with the Lord as I share “God Moments” and various memories of where I lacked discernment and the victorious hurdles I’ve overcome with his direction. I love you and encourage you to share and open the conversation with me every step of the way!
I love you! Thank you!
Writer’s Note Added on 12/29/21
God didn’t tell me to post this. This wasn’t some religious cleanse to be holy type of confession. I simply don’t want to enter the new year with all this weight. In truth, the only people I worried about with this blog were my parents and dishonoring them with the public blast. They said they didn’t need to know all the details, no matter what, we love each other. If you know my parents, in regards to this post I ask that you don’t text them, don’t gossip, don’t judge. Our relationship has only grown deeper in meaning and been freer in context over the last four months than the last four years. They know their daughter. Jesus is our foundation so no matter what, we love one another. Period.
We forgive. We move on. We try to be better for another day. I highly recommend it.
What’s your New Year’s Resolution?